In a world full of tail wags and tax returns, it’s easy to get confused. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Wait… am I a dog?” Don’t worry. You’re not alone. (Unless you’re a Husky, in which case, you probably prefer it that way.)
Here are 12 totally serious, not-at-all made-up ways to determine whether you are a dog… or a human.
1. Check for Fur.
If you are covered head to toe in fur and your grooming routine involves licking your own butt, chances are: dog.
If you use shampoo and complain about humidity: human.
2. Observe Your Reaction to the Doorbell.
Did you sprint full speed toward the door barking like it's the end of the world? Dog.
Did you groan and pretend you’re not home? Classic human.
3. Look at Your Hands.
If you have opposable thumbs and text your ex at 2 a.m., you’re probably human.
If your “hands” are actually just fuzzy murder mittens with claws and you use them to knock food off the table... dog. Or possibly cat. We’ll write that article next.
4. Do You Poop Outside?
No judgment here.
If squatting in the yard feels natural, and you need someone to pick it up with a plastic bag, you’re most likely a dog.
If the mere idea horrifies you: human (or at least, trying to be).
5. Do You Understand Taxes?
If you do, congrats — you’re human and probably miserable.
If the word “W-2” makes you tilt your head and do the confused side-ear-raise, you’re a good boy. Yes you are.
6. Tail or Nah?
If you’ve ever caught yourself chasing a part of your body in circles for 30 minutes and then proudly caught it... that's your tail. You're a dog.
If the only thing you chase is validation on social media: human.
7. How Do You Greet People?
Do you sniff their butt? Dog.
Do you awkwardly wave or give a handshake while questioning the appropriate social protocol? Human.
Do you do both? You need help.
8. Do You Have a Job?
If your job includes being a good boy/girl, barking at squirrels, or guarding the house from invisible threats: canine employee of the month.
If your job includes Zoom meetings, spreadsheets, and existential dread: human. Sorry.
9. Can You Drive a Car?
If yes: human.
If you just stick your head out the window and let your tongue flap in the wind while someone else drives: dog, and living your best life.
10. Allergic to Peanut Butter?
Humans can be allergic.
Dogs? Will fight God for a spoonful of the stuff.
11. Do You Respond to “Who’s a Good Boy?”
If you light up, tail wagging, even if you’re female: definitely dog.
If you say, “Please don’t talk to me like that”: human with no joy left inside.
12. Check Your Internet History.
Google searches like “how to be a good boy,” “vet appointment near me,” and “why is my human sad?” = dog.
“Am I a dog?” = you're a confused human… or a very smart dog who learned to type. In that case, call us. We want to do a documentary.
Final Verdict:
If you’re reading this article and understood all of it — you’re human.
If you just barked once for “yes” and twice for “no”… you’re either a dog or an improv actor. Either way, go get a treat. You’ve earned it.